What Moms Want To Know

My Toddler's Journey to Independent Play, Part 6

(Click to see Parts 1, 2, 3, 4, and 5.)

We have arrived.  I don't know if it was turning 2, getting a little brother, my encouragement, or a combination of the three, but my older son is playing some by himself now, thank goodness. 

I think more than anything he was just ready developmentally. 

So, I want to encourage all of you that are struggling with getting your kids to play by themselves, the time will come.  I promise.  There are things you can do to encourage it, but when they're ready, they're ready.

Note To Self: It would not hurt to put your baby down occasionally and encourage him to play on his own.  (This comes from someone with experience, I don't think I put my first little one down for more that 10 minutes at a time unless he was sleeping and even then I held him a good bit. I swore I would not make those mistakes with this one, but how can you NOT hold that tiny, sweet, adoring bundle of goodness????  But I know I'll be paying for it in a year or so.)   

My Toddler's Journey To Independent Play (Part 5)

(Click to see Parts 1, 2, 3, and 4.

My son is doing much better with playing alone.  I don't know how much it has to do with me working with him and how much is due to developmental maturity.  (Probably more of the  latter.)  But, regardless of the why, he is playing a little better alone.  Don't get me wrong, we still do LOTS of things together, but he is playing independently more and more often. 

The next step I've decided to take is to simply insist that he play alone. 

Here is what happened today that led me to this conclusion.  He awoke around 7, we rocked for twenty minutes, played (our version) of Memory, ate breakfast, went to the library, met friends for a very kid-friendly lunch, and finally settled down for a nap.  Guess how long he slept?  45 MINUTES.  That's it.  He's usually a great napper, so I don't know what was going on, but needless to say, Mommy was disappointed.

So, I got him up, gave him a snack and asked if he wanted to play outside.  He did, of course, but wanted me to come with him.  I firmly told him, that no, Mommy would watch him play from the kitchen.  And he was okay with it.  He played for about twenty minutes with our dogs while I watched from the kitchen table.  

I felt fine with this because I could see him play and our entire day had been centered around him.  He needed time to play alone and I needed time  to myself.

So, I guess we've arrived at the next step of this long process.  I insist, he reluctantly complies, and we both end up a little happier.

Tips for Teaching Toddlers To Play Alone (Independent Play Series, Part 4)

As I have struggled with teaching my toddler to play by himself, I've discovered some valuable lessons.

1) Get everyone on board.
Your spouse, your child's grandparents, older siblings, etc...

2) Be patient, it will take time.
Think baby steps.  Independent play does not happen overnight, expecially if you were like me and did not expect it from the start.

3) Reinforce behavior you want, ignore behavior you don't.

4) Find toys they like that keep them engaged. 
Don't expect them to play by themselves very long with a toy that only requires them to press a button and listen to music.  Toys that require manipulation and imagination seem to work best with my son.  For example.... blocks, trains sets, play kitchens. (Read more here about what my son learns from his train set.)

5) Make sure your expectations meet where your child is developmentally.
For example, most twelve-month-olds are not going to be able to play well alone for thirty minutes.  Do a little research and figure out what is reasonable to expect from your child.

6) Have a goal so you will know when you've reached it.
Do you want your child to play for ten minutes alone?  Twenty?  Figure out exactly what you expect so you will know when you and your child have achieved your goal.

7) Relax
Your child is not going to want or need you to sit beside her and text her boyfriend when she's fifteen, although you might want to!  Eventually your child will learn to work and play alone.

My Toddler's Journey To Independent Play, Part 3

        

Photo ByCTD 2005

We have officially started.  We're working hard and so far, not too much success, but it will come, I know it will.

What We're Doing:
We'll get out a toy together (usually Little People since he really likes them) and both of us will sit on the floor and play.  After a couple of minutes I'll move back and watch.  (At first I was sitting on the couch and that did not work, the floor works better right now.)  He lasts, I am embarrassed to say about 30 seconds-1 minute before he realizes I am not there and quits playing.  But, we have to start somewhere, I suppose.  And this is my fault, I keep reminding myself.  So, my plan is to continue like this until he sits and plays independently for 4-5 minutes.  Then I guess I'll move up to sitting on the couch while he plays.

Right now, I'm not giving much positive reinforcement because if I speak to him he realizes I am not right there next to him.  Soon (I hope) I will praise his efforts to play alone.

Where We Are: He will sit and play for 30 seconds to one minute.  

Our Goal: Twenty Minutes of Independent Play     

My Toddler's Journey To Independent Play, Part 2 (Goals)

My little boy plays well... as long as I am sitting next to him keeping him engaged.  If I get up for any reason he also gets up.  If I go into the kitchen to get a drink, he wants a drink or he wants me to pick him up and look around the countertops.  If I sit on the couch, he wants me to get back on the floor with him.  It's really not a good situation, and it's one that I swore would never happen.  Never say never, I guess.    

So, in order to keep my sanity (or what's left of it) I have set two goals for us. 

1) My first goal is for him to sit and play independently for twenty minutes at a stretch. 
I still want to play with him and plan on doing so, but.... not only is it important to his development to play alone, it is also important to my sanity.  And it will become even more important to my sanity when Baby Brother arrives in a few weeks. 

2) My second goal is for him to play with something that he is actually meant to play with. 
He will "play" by taking everything off the bottom shelf of the refrigerator and stacking the bottles on the floor for hours, if I allow it. But I want him to play with his things, his blocks, his Little People, his books, etc.  I don't mind or forbid exploration of our house, I even encourage it lots of the time, but my goal is for him to use his possessions to entertain himself.

These two goals are simple, necessary, and achievable.  I'm not setting either of us up for failure and I know that we're all going to be much happier when we reach them.  

My Toddler's Journey To Independent Play, Part 1

When I gave birth for the first time, almost twenty-two months ago, I was utterly and completely enamored with my brand new baby boy.  And I stayed that way for some time.  In all honesty, I am still rather enamored with him, but in a different way.  (Toddlers are just different.)  Well, that enamoration(is that a word?) led me to play with him constantly. I knew I should be teaching him to play on his own, but I would look down at that little roly-poly baby and have to be right next to him.  I just couldn't help it.  I was like an addict needing a fix.  I had to kiss his smooth little cheeks and hold his chubby little hands.

Fast-forward several months.... That roly-poly baby is now a cat-like toddler, darting here and there and sinking his claws into Mommy every chance he gets.  And I do mean every chance he gets... while Mommy is trying to fix her hair in the mornings, while Mommy is trying to prepare dinner at night, while Mommy is trying to do almost anything that does not directly involve him.  And Mommy is starting to realize what a colassal mistake Mommy made when she did not teach Baby how to play on his own.  (Okay, I will stop talking about myself in the third person now.)  So now Mommy is on a journey (last time, I swear) to rectify the situation she herself created.

I plan on writing several posts over the next few weeks documenting our journey to independent play.  He is quickly approaching two years, so I know that he is at the right developmental stage for more independent play, he just needs guidance from me (since I'm the one that messed him up in the first place) to be successful.